If you’re thinking this is another article on “how to” online date, then this isn’t that article. I wanted to give an honest view on my recent findings. They are brutally honest, touched with humour and a little sarcasm. So, you’ve been warned.
Being a coach and writer I am the proverbial “student of human behaviour”.
I learn from living, but also from observing, listening, reading and researching.
In the last little while I wanted to do an update on “online dating” as back in the early days I did embark on the net and ended up writing “Doubleclick, A Woman’s Intimate Journey” back in 2002 based on my experiences that were from 1999-2001. It’s a story that allows an inside look at one woman’s journey. Riveting, provocative and touching, I recommend it today for all singles that wish to get back out there….before you begin your online searching.
So, in my current research I put an ad out there, (for 2 days) and also read ads posted by men and women as I wanted to see what was out there.
There are so many sites to choose from, based on what you’re seeking and who you are, so if you desire to: date, enjoy a few interludes, seek an “LTR” (long term relationship) or if you wish to indulge in an affair, there’s something for everyone! There are sites that are based on: if you’re a vegan, biker, seeking a “Russian bride” or really want someone affiliated with your religious beliefs and a 100 other “interest” it’s all online!
Sites that match you up with a 45 page compatibility test, to sites asking you your fantasies and inner most secrets. So, I chose none of these, but just put up a well written ad on a “free” site, I was overwhelmed with responses within a few hours.
Here are my top 3 observations:
- Not many men read the entire profile, so they see “female” and just send a note. (read the entire profile, why waste your time and the other persons)
- Men seeking “on night stands” (not surprising) however, if that’s all you want, it takes time to write the ad, answer emails, send a picture, you’d be better off going to a bar for that sort of thing.
- “NSA” no strings attached- a lot of people seek only this!
A lot of responses I got from men seeking “nsa” didn’t realize that in my profile I actually wrote “if seeking “nsa” don’t respond” yet they did. Ahhhhhh men will always try!
Another thing I noticed was how people write in “text” when the respond to an ad. It’s great we can do this on our cell and blackberry, yet it’s now created a lot of bad habits for many people. When emailing, it’s still letter writing, this is what many don’t realize and it doesn’t give a very good impression.
Here are some examples:
- im interested in u and wuld like to met for cofee
I got this as a response, what impression does this give you? It shows me that this person is not interested in what impression he makes nor does he even take a moment to write anything about himself or what he liked about the profile.
As a writer, professional coach and speaker, even when sending an email to a friend, grammar is still important and the rules of composing sentences should still apply.
This one is classic!
- I red your ad several times and we have alot in common, but i may b to boring for you. I don’t like arguments and like to live and let live.
And this shows what??? A man with low self esteem who is negative and pessimistic, did he actually expect an answer back?
When responding to ads here are some guidelines:
- Use spell check (it’s available to everyone!!!!)
- Start your ad with something about what you read in the profile, i.e. telling them why you liked the ad
- Give them a description of yourself (be honest) if you meet they’ll find out you’re lying. Age and weight are the 2 big ones most lies about
- A lot of people that are over 40 will say things like “I’m 49 but look 10 years younger” I always chuckle when I see this, as what one looks like is truly relative…and if you have to say you look younger, chances are you don’t!
This is an ad a woman wrote:
- Hi, I have been broken up with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. He didn’t doesn’t do anything (no career, no healthy interests), smokes, drinks (mildly alcoholic), put me down a lot, made me do things i didn’t want to do, never did things i wanted him to do (be healthy, stop drinking get life together). for some reason i loved him anyway. i had to leave him because it hurt a lot to live with him cuz he will never change and i kinda saw my future flash before my eyes and i didnt want it. for some reason he was my only boyfriend, and the only person i felt in love with. i broke up with him and after a year it’s like im still heart broken, sad, or i dont know what. is this what luggage is called?
Is this for real? What is she looking for? When I read this, I felt like sending her a note and suggest she get some “coaching”. Not only do the grammatical errors say a lot, but it shows she’s still hurting, not over it, seeking someone to “save” her and she has very low self esteem…..
So, what will she attract is a lot of abusive, lazy men that will once again take advantage of her!
Here’s another profile:
- Is there anybody here that would like to company me to a fancy restaurant for Sunday? ( i dunno which restaurant ! you choose ! because I am new to the city )
No age, no content, no description, so what is there to go on, just the restaurant invite???
Another observation was the ages of men and women on this particular “free” site. Over 65% of both men and women were under 26. The men and women 19, 22 and 23 are seeking online, whereby I would have thought that within this age group many are still in school, going to parties and would be able to meet people very easily in the “real” world vs. the cyber world.
Just a few years ago, the majority of people online were over 30, yet now it seems the youth has jumped on the cyber bandwagon as well. I guess that showed me to an extent that the youth is not “going out” but reviewing profiles while downloading music and writing their papers.
For years I’ve always suggested that our emails should be separate. We have one that is professional (when you’re job searching for example) another for friends/family and if you’re online dating, then you should create one that is solely for this purpose.
With that said, email handles say alot!
Here are a few that had responded to my ad and I had to share and comment!
- coxnspiel – a play on words for the male anatomy and a musical instrument
- bigdaggy27 – shows he thinks he’s either from the South, or likes women to call him "daddy"
- deepthroat4U – plain and simple for what he’s looking for!
I admit I judge on the “email handle” it says a lot about someone. I can’t be the only one out there that does this, yet a lot of people chock it up to “that’s who they are” I wouldn’t want to meet anyone who’s handle is “bigdaddy27”.
Terri Giosia
Singles Coach
