It’s Saturday night. Alone at home, you wish you had someone to share the weekend with. But after having just embarked a few weeks ago on a new relationship, telling yourself that “this time it must work”, you find yourself – once again! – alone at home…
You wonder how it’s possible that you’re still not capable of finding a partner that’s right for you: you’ve probably have already made more than a few attempts; have met new partners, fallen in love and lived with them. So why can’t you manage to find a partner and cultivate an intimate and satisfying long-term relationship?
If this is what you’re thinking, you’re not alone. There are probably many like you who share this dilemma. Still, this fact doesn’t comfort you. And it shouldn’t!
So let’s see how one person (let’s call her Sandra) has dealt with a similar situation. Maybe there is something you can learn from her:
Sandra didn’t understand what was happening. How could it be that despite her strong desire for a relationship and after having had quite a few, she still hasn’t managed to find and cultivate one that’s right for her? Something always seems to go wrong: it either turns out that the partners she falls in love with aren’t suitable for her; that the arguments and disagreements they have make the situation unbearable; or the relationship simply ends, sometimes at her initiation, sometimes against her will. Damn! Will she ever manage to find and cultivate a satisfying, long-term relationship? Is that even possible?
Sandra can’t understand how it is possible that, in spite of all her attempts, she’s still single. Indeed, when she looks around and sees a significant percentage of couples that fight, even separate, she tells herself: “I’m just like everyone else”; “if everyone else runs into problems, why should I be any different?”; “if that’s the way things usually are, then I’m fine”. However, in spite all these rationalizations and justifications, she knows there are those who “did make it”, and deep down inside she yearns to find and cultivate “her own” kind of relationship; one that will satisfy her; one in which she’ll feel “at home”; one she won’t have to constantly worry that it might collapse, like so many times in the past. Is it too much to ask for?
Sandra decides that she has to do something. She wants to understand how come her relationships always fail. After all, she has so much love to give and such a strong desire for a serious, intimate bond. She tells herself that it’s time she stops blaming “all these men”: is it really possible that not even one of them is right for her? She’s afraid to think that maybe it’s something in her that’s preventing her from finding and cultivating a genuine, intimate relationship. But since she’s already gone out with quite a few men, and still hasn’t found one that’s right for her, the problem, after all, might lie within her…
In a heart to heart talk with her best friend, Sandra is encouraged to start looking inwards; to discover that maybe there are things about her that she doesn’t know, which are sabotaging her relationships.
Sandra gets up the courage to ask herself questions that she’d avoided asking until now. She is examining, within her own self, whether she was authentic and genuine with her partners. Has she given to them out of love or on condition that…? Was she closed and cautious? Did she refrain from expressing her own desires for fear that they would leave her? Has she approached them with demands or complaints? Did she accept them as they are? Did she have unrealistic expectations? Did she love them “so much” that she made them feel smothered? Did she make jealous scenes? Did she cling to them all the time? Did she stop them from doing things with their friends?
It takes Sandra some time to ask these and other questions; to think, recall and honestly answer herself. It isn’t easy. At times it’s frustrating, annoying, and even scary. But Sandra knows, deep down inside, that she’s going in the right direction. She’s discovering things about herself she never knew. Slowly, she’s discovering – Sandra!
If you feel it’s about time you get a grip on what makes it impossible for you to find and cultivate the relationship you want, you can – just like Sandra did – embark on your own Journey to Self-Awareness: begin to understand and learn issues about yourself that you may have not known until now, which have pushed you to react and behave with your partners in ways that sabotaged your relationships, such as fears, needs, messages you internalized, beliefs and judgments.
Looking inwards and becoming self-aware will enable you to change behavioral patterns you have been used to, and embrace more effective behaviors essential to finding and cultivating a successful and intimate relationship.
Until Next Time,
Doron Gil, Ph.D.
Awareness; it can really make a difference
For more real-life stories depicting singles struggling with finding a partner and cultivating a stable relationship, read Dr. Doron Gil’s just-published “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!”
www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/
It’s one thing to identify all the dating mistakes men and women are making these days, but it’s a whole other thing avoid them. Like any other mistakes in life, when dating faux-pas happen, we should learn from them and grow. This can’t happen unless we actually identify them after they happen, and even reflect upon them.
In our business and academic lives, we know that mistakes should be tracked, just as much as successes. When something goes wrong in a business dealing, we write down the problem and analyze it. After a while we’ll have a series of mistakes and successes to look over and study, thereby seeing patterns and growth.
Why should dating mistakes be any different? This is another one of those things that may feel a bit wrong. Dating should be natural, and as soon as you start taking notes you suck the life out of it and make it a mechanical process. That’s what this may sound like, but it isn’t really the case. Not only is there nothing wrong with doing this sort of thing, there’s everything right with it.
If you go on about one first date a month, and after a year can barely remember why they failed, you can’t grow. Make notes after a failed date though, include things like good conversations, bad things said, or whatever else comes to mind, and you have something to look back on. If the same things come up again and again, you can learn, grow and move on.
It’s time we stop ignoring the fact that dating mistakes happen. It’s time we stop kidding ourselves into believing that “It wasn’t meant to be.” That’s simply a copout. The fact is, if it was meant to be, you would have worked at it, put thought into it, and tried everything in your power to make it work. All of that equals identifying your mistakes along the way. Why not?
Until Next Time,
Phil
Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert
phil@meetmarketadventures.com
The goal of a date, early on in a relationship, is to get to know the other person and build a mutual attraction. The type of date you plan should therefore be something that allows for this, and even helps with this. A lot of us plan things that act against this goal, and that’s a dating mistake that should be avoided.
A coffee shop date is one of those that is often considered to be a mistake. The truth is they can be great for first dates, when it’s someone you have no history with. Consider this a great place for a feeler date, one that tests the waters. For a second date, or a date with someone you have a past with already, coffee shops are mistakes. They scream out unoriginality and throw you in a class with friends and family, who also hang out in coffee shop with your date.
When sitting still is a part of any date for too long, it’s also a potential mistake. Even if it’s in a bar or over dinner, it can hurt your chances of dating success. Activity is always better than inactivity. A drink at a bar should be followed by a walk in the park, or come after mini-golf or cycling. Do something that builds a connection and gets you moving instead of sitting around, any day.
Once you’ve been dating for a while, you for sure want to bring friends into the picture. This helps you get to know each other better, by seeing each other through friends’ eyes. Doing this too soon is a dating mistake everyone’s made at one time or another. When first or second dates happen with friends, it can be overwhelming and far too intimidating. Sometimes it works out well, but far too much it proves a mistake.
For all those out there who have ended a date thinking “Why did we decide to do this of all things,” speak up now and let us know. Share your experience with others who read this blog, and we can all learn from each others mistakes!
Until Next Time,
Phil
Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert
phil@meetmarketadventures.com
Anyone who called the dating scene a jungle back in the 80s had no idea what lied ahead. The internet really turned dating into a jungle and made things pretty cut throat. On the internet, men compete with men in a cut throat way. We race towards the women of interest, bombard them with messages and flirts, and impress them with wit, talent and whatever else we have up our sleeves. In this jungle, it’s easy to screw up. Here are some of the biggest dating mistakes guys make online.
Forgetting it’s a jungle out there – Meeting a woman at a bar is easy, if you aren’t too shy. You talk to her, and she talks to you. That’s it. On the internet it’s not that simple. When you talk to a woman, there’s a good chance a dozen or more other men are trying to talk to her as well. Forgetting this leads to unimpressive messages like “Hey,” and “What’s up?” It’s hard to get anywhere like that.
Making personality-less profiles – Let’s go back to that bar scenario. From the first moment you can project your personality through what you’re wearing, how you’re moving, how you talk and what you talk about. Online, this isn’t so easy. A huge online dating mistake is overlooking that, and forgetting to inject some life into a dating profile.
Posting stupid photos – A lot of women really hate those shirtless pics guys post. A lot of them respond well to them though. In fact, the shirtless guys get some of the most responses on the net. Do they get messaged from the type of women they want, though? If you are looking for something serious, you have to portray yourself in a way that your type of woman would be attracted to.
Men aren’t the only ones who commit these and other serious online dating mistakes. Take a look at our other posting about women’s online dating blunders, and see what you think. Let us know how you respond to these mistakes, and whether or not you agree with them.
Until Next Time,
Phil
Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert
phil@meetmarketadventures.com
There are many stories in the business world and entertainment world of people who think they’ve got what it takes, and colleagues who humor them. It seems to be the polite course of action, and often there’s no harm done. Other times a person is told that they really are a talented actor, thereby sparing their feelings, only to have them quit their job, pack their bags, and starve in Hollywood.
Things aren’t different in social circles. A lot of us have friends that can’t seem to succeed in the dating world, and we just sit back and watch, occasionally commenting behind their backs about all the things they’re doing wrong. Maybe they don’t dress the part, or they say the wrong things when approaching new people. It could be that they forget to ask questions and just talk too much, or even that they really should wear better cologne or perfume.
We all know someone who fits this bill. All our social circles include at least one man or woman who keeps striking out, or failing from relationship to relationship for obvious reasons. Few of us say anything for fear of being rude. Maybe it’s not that, and we just don’t have any interest in helping them out. The thing is, we should be saying something. We should be helping out.
They may not be receptive to you pointing out their dating mistakes, and they may even take it badly. Be careful how you word it, so as to avoid this, but don’t let it be a setback. The thing is, once they hear it they’ll be more aware of it. They’ll notice when those mistakes happen and they may even start to change, perhaps not even noticing they’re doing it.
Do you have one of these friends? What have you said to them, or what should you say to them? Perhaps you may have been “that guy” in the past, and someone was kind enough to steer you in the right direction. Add a comment, and let us know.
Until Next Time,
Phil
Meet Market Adventures Dating Expert
phil@meetmarketadventures.com
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