Most singles in the dating scene struggle with how to take the relationship to the next level. The typical scenario is you’ve been dating for a while and things are going well – you have fun with each other and from your perspective, you want to make it more permanent. For some of you, the next level is making the relationship exclusive; for others it’s moving in together; for others it’s getting married.
Knowing you want more, you try to be as fun and light as you can be, hoping your partner feels as strongly about you as you do about them. And then, whether it’s 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, you feel you must clarify what the future together is going to look like.
Hopefully the discussion will go the way you want it to, but all too often it does not. And when it doesn’t, the reason is usually that your partner doesn’t want to move forward because he or she likes things just the way they are.
What does it mean when the response to your heartfelt desire to be together is less than enthusiastic?
It means that your partner has been taking advantage of your good will with your hoping that there will be a future when in fact there is none. In short, your partner has been using you and wasting your time.
Life is for learning and the idea is to not waste your time on the wrong person. Rather than blaming yourself for not being good enough for your partner to want to be with you, start being strategic. What you need to do is find out about the person you are really with, not the “Knight In Shining Armour” or “The Prom Queen” you believe you are with.
How can you cut to the chase really quickly? By finding out what your partner’s previous relationships were about – and especially the last relationship. People are creatures of habit and they tend to repeat the same pattern over and over again.
Here’s an example. If you discover that your partner dated a person for a couple of years and then ended it when the person they were dating wanted to move in together, you have a red flag on your hands. If you are like most people, you will think this type of scenario couldn’t happen to you because your man/woman is so into you. Think again.
A person who would deceptively take advantage of their partner’s good faith and expectation of a future together is a self-absorbed narcissist who is concerned about #1. Such a person doesn’t have remorse or believe it’s wrong to use someone in this way because they rationalize that their partner was free to leave any time. So instead of taking responsibility for their wrongdoing, they blame their partner.
What does this mean for you? If, in asking about your partner’s past relationships, he or she describes a scenario which you would not like to find yourself in if you were the man/woman on the receiving end, you are best to leave the relationship sooner than later. The reason is, you are dating a person who has a bad character: It’s only a matter of time before you will be confronted with it.
This happens all too often if you get involved with a married guy or gal who is cheating on their partner to be with you. In time, you will often become the partner who is cheated on in the same way.
The idea here is to take charge of your relationship and not let wishful thinking control you. If, when hearing about past relationships, you think to yourself, I wouldn’t want to be the person who was discarded in this way, then leave while you still feel good about yourself. The reason is, a person who is self-gratifying once will be so again, but this time, it will be at your expense.
What you want to do is look for someone who respects another person’s feelings and well-being, and is not simply looking for a good time. Such a person will respect your feelings and make sure to honor you and your time.
The bottom line is this. You have to value yourself before you can expect another person to value you. It’s up to you to look after your own interests. By finding out about your partner’s past, you will be ensuring a happy future for yourself.
Andrea J. Moses of Life Coach Toronto is a psychotherapist and life coach.
1. Update yourself by doing a fearless inventory of who you are in the present, and let go of limiting beliefs about yourself that don’t serve you.
2. Be you own barometer: if you’re in the zone—your optimal place—everything will flow and you will experience a feeling of ease.
3. On the other hand, when life is a struggle and nothing goes smoothly, it means that you are overwhelmed and not in a place of choice.
4. To reach your goals, focus on yourself and not only on the goals, because YOU are the one who will bring YOU to the goals (goals will not come to you!).
5. Come from integrity by being WHO you are (authentically) while getting WHAT you want. If you are being the you WHO acts from your values, you will get WHAT you want. To sum it up: Get to know yourself to get what you want.
What are the best “single cities?” All of you right now are probably anticipating me busting out David Whiteman’s list of the best cities for singles, and wondering if your city is going to be on it. Is New York going to be on it? Is San Francisco going to be on it? Is the percentage of men in Boulder, Colorado too high to live there?
The answer is really going to confuse all of you a little bit, because I truly believe the best city for singles is the city that you’re living in right now. It’s all about mindset and attitude when meeting somebody, not about where you live.
It’s all about going out and networking and meeting as many single people as you possibly can, until you find the person you’re most attracted to and the person with whom you most connect. Too many people are all about location. That’s just an excuse.
They say to themselves, “If I lived somewhere else, I’d have no problem meeting someone because I heard that Miami is such a better place to be single than where I live.” In reality, you take yourself wherever you go. So the best city to live in is the one where you live.
When I lived in Boulder, Colorado and I was single, the ratio of single men to single women was unbelievable. In the year and a half I was living there, though, I had three relationships and had no problem meeting single women. Why? I went out and talked to everyone until I found the women to whom I was most attracted.
It’s all about attitude wherever you are. I don’t care if you’re in Washington, D.C. or Toronto, Canada. Everywhere you are is the best place to meet people.
It’s how you conduct your own personal search. What are you doing to conduct your personal search? What are you doing to meet people every single day?
Are you out connecting with people all day long, or are you just sitting back waiting and hoping that you meet somebody? Are you waiting and hoping that you get relocated for your job?
Life is all about mindset and attitude. I practice an abundant mindset so that no matter where I am, it’s the best city to meet people.
So Many Types of Free Online Dating Sites, How Does One Choose?
How many free online dating sites can one person try? Really, have you looked around lately? There are hundreds of dating sites out there—thousands even! The bulk of them, believe it or not, are free. For no charge, you can surf their pages, read up on local or even international singles, and get in touch with whoever you want. It’s really that easy.
Okay, it’s not really that easy. When you’re talking about as many options as we’re talking about, the first thing you have to do is figure out where to begin. Sure, you can just search for free online dating via your favorite search engine and see what you come up with, and you can even ask your friends to point you in the right direction, but if you do that you’re only getting a small view of the big picture.
You see, dating sites come in different flavors these days. Some are more or less generic and therefore serve the masses with few limitations. If you pick one of those, you’ll be able to meet just about anybody. But is it just about anybody you want to meet? Maybe. If not though, who is it that you do want to meet?
If you can get an idea in your head, a nice image of the type of person you’ve got your Cupid’s arrow pointed at, then you can probably get much better aim by trying out one of those dating sites less traveled. Have you seen these sites out there? Have you tried them?
There are sites for women who want rich guys, and sites for men who want rich women. There are free dating sites for Harry Potter fans (achem, grown-up Harry Potter fans) and sites for people with a taste for whips and chains. If you’ve tried a specialty site yourself, it was likely something a little more tame.
Most people who venture onto the specialty dating sites are looking for fellow students, fellow business professionals, or even single parents. There are many freebies out there catering to just those groups of people. Apparently, a lot of those sites even end up posting some pretty good results. “Apparently” because, when it comes to the Web, relationships and the combination thereof, you never know what data to trust.
Have any readers out there tried these specialty sites? How “specialty” did you get? More importantly, would you recommend them, because, let’s face it, with all those options it can be pretty hard for anyone to choose these days.
I’m a firm believer that whoever asks someone out on a date, should pay for that date. If you’re a woman and you ask a guy out on a date, then you pay for that date.
It’s 2010. Pay for the date. You asked him out. He didn’t ask you out, so he doesn’t need to pay.
Now I’m sure that there are women reading this right now thinking, “Wait a second. Men are always supposed to pay for the first date.” Yes they are — if they do the asking.
If you’re a man and you ask a woman out — you tell her where to meet you or you tell her where you’re going — then you better for the date. You better pay for the full date.
That does not mean that you pay for dinner and have her leave the tip. That does not mean that you buy the drinks and she pays for dinner.
When you ask someone out, then you had better be prepared to pay for that date. If you can’t afford where you’re taking them, find another place.
Always date within your budget. That’s so important. So many people try to impress someone with a date they cannot afford.
Then when it comes down to the end of the date, the woman is getting her car from the valet and you leave her to pay for it. This guys, is also part of what you should be paying for if you are paying for the date. If you don’t, she will think that you’re cheap for not paying for the whole date.
The bottom line is that when you ask someone out, you are responsible for paying for that date, including all the activities that go on that evening. It’s that simple. It really is.
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